I had a very vivid hallucination/ maybe nightmare this morning. I was having a dream which I dont remember the details of now, and then I woke up in my room, but The God of Death was beside me reaching out towards me. It has one very distinctive eye, and its body is made of shadow. Below this entry I'll include a drawing of its eye. Once I saw him I was immediately struck with fear and I closed my eyes. When I opened them again it was gone. Maybe I will die soon, I am fearful that I will be killed but I have to try and remember that its not real.
The rest of the day was relatively uneventful, I did see the eyes of the Twin Gods again, which are Death and Power. But that is nearly every day now. I got coffee this morning and I got a matcha latte. I like matcha, it tatstes like grass in a good way. Other than that I didn't really do anything besides work on this website(check out my Skate 3 clips) and play ds3. Thanks for reading this - Eve
I had another hallucination right when I woke up today but I was definitely awake this time. This time it was auditory and I heard knocking. I immediately knew it wasn't real because it was 6:30 am and nobody in my house was awake yet. Other than that I saw the eyes of the Twin Gods again as usual for the past few days. The biggest thing that happened today was that I felt paralyzed from the neck down for a bit. Our family went to see christmas lights and we were all sitting in the car. Suddenly I just felt unable to move my arms or legs. I could still feel everything but I just couldn't move them. It was quite an odd feeling as I could feel the signal to move throughout my arms and legs but they just wouldn't. Shortly after I also heard voices telling me that I was going to die, they are going to kill me, and that they know. So pretty terrifying day overall.
In other news I have learned some very basic css and have made the website look a little nicer. I also fixed the Skate 3 videos so please check that out. I got back into Sekiro today and I think I may get back on the hitless gauntlet grind again. Perhaps I will post it on the site if I manage anything impressive. I had coffee this morning and it was quite nice.
In family trauma news my dad just got back from florida and he is so insufferable sometimes. The only way he knows how to make conversation is by insulting you in a joking way and then playing it off. Its hard to describe if you don't see it but its so obvious hes insecure and does it to feel better. But whatever I just need to endure it for a while until I go back to college. Thanks for reading -Eve
Today was uneventful. I didn't have any hallucinations today which is nice. I went to the store today and got some sipcy watermelon candies which are surprisingly good. I also went to the zoo with my family because they have christmas lights there. It was ok. I had hot chocolate and it was nice. Still can't stand my family but alas, I cannot do anything about it for now. Thanks for reading -Eve
I feel like an animal.
So, its been a while. I'm doing much better than I was before. I dropped out of school and spent some time inpatient at a mental hospital. After that I actually got a psychiatrist and therapist so I've been pretty stable recently. It's weird how I don't even recognize the unmedicated version of myself even though it wasn't that long ago. It feels like a different person did all that shit. But anyways I've been writing poetry and I think I'll post some of it on here. I've also been doing art but its pretty bad so I don't think I'll do anything with it. thanks for reading -Eve
I get really paranoid and sort of angry when my schizophrenia is bad and I think that comes through in my early posts where I shit on my family. They aren't that bad tbh I just get a sort of warped perception and feel like they are against me somehow. Its hard to explain but basically I feel insanely paranoid and feel like anything they say is a slight towards me. TRIGGER WARNING for this next part. The other thing I do when im in schizo mode is carve symbols into my arm. They are related to the god of death and god of power as mentioned in earlier posts. I believed that by carving these symbols in my flesh I would gain insight into the future. I also believed that in the future that I saw I was going to die. So I would spend weeks just cutting myself and waiting to die. Anyways, Im gonna post more poetry :3 thanks for reading - Eve
I feel like im slowly dying one day at a time. I cant take it anymore its unbearable. I cant be a normal person I cant just not think about killing myself constantly. I cant have normal emotions. I just feel so defeated right now what the hell am i supposed to do. Every single day is like shoving my cock in a garbage disposal, but emotionally. its exhausting im exhausted i wish my brain was normal. fuck man. I feel incapable of normal emotions. I feel like everyone is staring at me all the time I hear my name called I wish I wish I wish fuck I just want stability. idk hopefully im still on here posting I just dont recognize myself anymore has it always been a facade? Have I always felt like an empty husk or was I a person at one point? I hate this website I hate myself and I hate you too, if anyone is even reading this. thanks, love you, ill post more shit if im still alive in an hour.